


One to Keep You Honest

by disparity



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Blow Jobs, First Time, Love Triangles, M/M, Marauders' Era, Teen Romance, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-12 01:45:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7915657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disparity/pseuds/disparity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“What, you think <em>everyone's</em> doing it with their best mates?”</p><p>James slid on his glasses, blinking as his eyes adjusted. He turned to Sirius and said, “Well, why the hell <em>wouldn't</em> they?”</p><p>And Sirius really didn't have anything to say, after that, because he couldn't think of a single damn reason.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One to Keep You Honest

**Author's Note:**

> I've separated this into two acts. The first is humor and sex, and the second is a giant pit of angst. If you don't give a damn about canon, you can just read the first one and pretend they lived happily ever after, wheee. I was tempted to do the same, but. The angst, it called to me. I regret nothing.

# Act I

They were drunk, the first time.

He couldn't remember why they were drunk, specifically, but he knew that he was shit-faced and giddy and James was here, and that was pretty spiffing because James was the best.

“ _James_ ,” he breathed into James' ear. “Prongs, Prongsie, Prongsaloo.”

There were fingers on his face. They crawled over to his ear like spiders and then they _went inside, hey_. Sirius whined because that wasn't nice, who the hell puts _fingers_ in somebody's _ear_ , honestly.

“I'm cleaning out your ears,” said James, because that just made perfect sense.

“Why?” Sirius half-heartedly smacked his arm. “Why?” he repeated.

“Because if you could hear the stupid things, you wouldn't _say_ the stupid things.”

Sirius wrinkled his nose. “What? Prongs, what, _stop it_.”

“I'm cleaning out your _ears_ ,” said James firmly.

“Yeah, we've established that. But _why_?”

James sighed and said, “ _Because_ , Pads. You've gotta have gunk in them. There's no other way you'd do those stupid things with your tongue.”

Sirius licked him, obviously, because he said _tongue_ and that's just what you did when someone was talking about your tongue. Not that people talked about his tongue very much. Oh bother, he forgot what he was going to say.

“You licked me!” said James.

“Obviously,” said Sirius. Oh, he remembered the thing! “James, you're the best.”

“So you _licked_ me?”

“No, those things are unrelated.”

“Do you lick all the best things?” James went on, even though he _knew_ that wasn't what Sirius meant, because Sirius _just_ said so. “Do you lick the, the best _dogs_ and the flowers and the... what are the other things you like?”

“I don't like flowers,” said Sirius, because why the hell would he like flowers.

“What? Why don't you like flowers? Everyone like flowers. What's your favorite flower, Padfoot?”

“I don't know. Why would I know that?”

James chuckled. “Hey, know what mine is?”

“Lily,” said Sirius, because that was a terrible joke.

“Red lilies!” shouted James. Sirius was glad they'd thought to cast silencing charms _before_ getting drunk because or else Remus would've definitely hexed them by now. It was very late. Or early. Definitely early. “Hey, do they have red ones?”

Sirius frowned, because he wasn't trying to talk about Evans. He was trying to say something else. “Prongs, you're the best,” he repeated.

“Lily's the best.”

“Shut up. No lilies.”

“But I _want_ Lily.”

“The whole school knows you want Lily,” said Sirius. “But you're the best, so you should have the best.”

“Are you telling me I should have myself, Pads?” said James, his laughter a little breathless. “'Cause I'm pretty sure I'd rather have Lily.”

“You could have someone besides Lily,” Sirius pointed out.

“All I've got's Lily and my hand, Pads.”

“But there's got to be something better than your hand that _isn't_ Lily.”

“Yeah, but if I go for someone else, what if Lily wants me then? Then I'm with someone else. Then I can't have her.”

Sirius snorted, because James was never _ever_ going to have Lily Evans, and everyone except for James knew it. There was no point in saying it, though.

“So it's gonna be you and your hand 'til hell freezes over, yeah?” Sirius shook his head which, whoops, made the world spin for a bit. “That's sad, mate. It's just sad.”

“Well, what else can I do?” James whined. “Sure, I'm horny, but Lily won't date me, and even if she did, she wouldn't, _you know_. Not for _months_ , at least.”

“Are you horny right _now_?” asked Sirius, because hmm, that was interesting. He didn't know why it was interesting, but they were talking about it anyway, so hell.

“What?” James laughed. His hand was on Sirius' face again, traveling around a bit before it pinched his nose. “I'm not going to beat one off with you in the bed, stupid.”

“That's not what I _meant_ ,” Sirius insisted, and he was maybe at least sixty percent sure that was true.

“Well, what'd you mean? Why are you asking if I'm horny?”

Sirius snorted again, because obviously this was a joke, and said, “Doesn't matter. You couldn't get it up anyway, 'cause you're drunk.”

“Why are you suddenly so concerned about my prick?”

“I have _nooo_ concerns about your prick.”

James shifted in the bed, so that he was lying on his stomach with his chin poking into Sirius' chest. Sirius grabbed a pillow to prop his own head up, so they could face each other.

“You have no faith in me,” said James.

“I do so. I trust you with my life, Prongs.”

“But you don't trust my prick.”

“Why are we talking about your prick?”

“You brought it up.”

“Oh?” Sirius smirked. “You think _I_ could bring it up?”

James smacked him on the arm, and Sirius just chuckled. “You couldn't,” said James, and that sounded an awful lot like a challenge.

“I could.” Sirius wasn't sure why he was so sure about that, but he definitely was.

“You don't even have tits.”

“Don't need tits,” said Sirius. “S'not just about tits, James.”

“Right,” James snorted, “I forgot, you're the wanking expert.”

“I'm better than you!”

“At wanking? You think so?”

Sirius made a face and said, “Obviously. I'm better than you at everything.”

“Let's see it, then.”

Something shocked through Sirius. It was warm, and nice, and James made it happen. He wondered, then, if James could make other things happen.

“What, you want to watch?” he asked. Funny things were going on in his chest. He didn't know which answer he wanted, and that was odd, because Sirius almost always knew what he wanted. Now, though? The wanting part of his brain must be addled.

“Don't be stupid,” said James. “You couldn't get it up, anyway. _I_ haven't got tits, or a fanny either.”

“You've got a mouth, haven't you?”

James made a noise like he'd choked on something. “What, you'd think about my _mouth_?”

“Why not?” Sirius shrugged. “A mouth's a mouth. There's no difference.”

“Is so.”

“Is not.”

“Right, so if I just suck you off right now, that's not going to be a problem for you?”

Sirius' cock promptly replied that no, that was not going to be a problem at all. Sirius himself was a tad too shocked to speak. James tilted his head, and Sirius would've killed to know just what he was thinking. He got some idea of it, when James' hand traveled down his body, resting against his half-hard prick.

“Guess not,” James breathed.

“Are you...?” Sirius' throat was terribly dry. “Are you, too?”

Fingers wrapped around his wrist, pulling his hand down to the drawstring waist of James' pajamas. James stopped there, releasing his hand. He stared at Sirius, their eyes locked, a silent challenge. Sirius swallowed thickly before he moved his hand lower, lower, until it brushed against something more than half-hard, thick and wet and _sweet Merlin, he was touching James' cock._

And then James' hand was moving, pressing gently against the outline of his prick, and it was barely anything but it was _amazing_ , and before he knew it, he was pushing his hips into his best friend's hand. He thought, he was sure it _ought_ to feel wrong, but it didn't, at _all_.

James was breathing on his neck and James was _rubbing his prick_ , and it occurred to Sirius that he ought to do something, too. His hand dipped between cloth and skin, slicked with precome as it slid down James' shaft. The sound he made was rich, deep and stuttered, and it went straight to Sirius' cock. He didn't know _why on earth_ he'd never thought about making James make that sound, but he was pretty sure he wasn't going to think about anything else, ever.

Sirius sped up, determined to get another sound, and when James whimpered softly, he responded with a groan. _Damn_ if that wasn't the hottest thing, and James just kept at it, making keening noises and mumbling nonsense as he palmed Sirius through his clothes, and Sirius was going to come from this, he really was. He could feel the pull of it thrumming strongly, surging hotly as James came, wet and sticky in his hand.

It wasn't _quite_ enough, and James was too busy making the most beautiful noises to breathe properly, let alone move, so Sirius snaked his other hand beneath his pants, stroking hard and fast. He was close, _so close_ , when James reached in and pulled his hand out. He made a noise of complaint, but then James' mouth was on his, and it was warm and wet and solid, and James' hand was back, his _hand_ , Sirius was never going to look at that hand the same way after this. And that didn't make _sense_ because it was just a hand, it was exactly like _his_ hand, except he'd _never_ come this hard from his own hand before.

It spilled out of him all at once, and James slowed but didn't stop, mumbling things in his ear as the stars blinked behind his eyes. And Sirius didn't quite know what happened after, except he was tired and drunk, and he just had the best orgasm ever, so must've gone to sleep.

Waking up was different. Waking up was... fine, at first, and then very strange. Because he was spooning his best friend while they both smelled like sex, and well. That was new.

“James,” he muttered in James' ear. “James, wake up.”

“Shut it, Padfoot.”

“Prongs. _Wake up_.”

“Don't want to.”

“But we had _sex_.”

“Hmm?” James shifted sleepily. “So?”

“So. We're best friends.”

“So?”

“ _So_. So are we gay now?”

“No, we're not gay.”

Sirius thought about it for a minute. “I think I am, though. It sort of makes sense.”

And it did. It made a startling amount of sense, in fact.

“Rubbing one out with your best friend doesn't make you gay,” James insisted.

“No, but.” Sirius suddenly felt... terrified. “James, I really think I'm gay. I think I was gay before. I think I've been gay the whole time.”

“Okay, Pads. You're gay.”

“But. That's okay, right?”

James patted his hand. “'Course it's okay. You're okay any way you are.”

“So we're still friends, then?”

“Yes, idiot. Go to sleep.”

He didn't go back to sleep. He got up and wrote a letter to his parents, which he'd never done before, just to tell them that their disowned son that they hated was a big gay flamer. The entire school knew by supper.

Funny enough, it really didn't change a damn thing that mattered.

***

The second time, they were also drunk.

It was a week later, a week after Sirius outed himself to all of Hogwarts and the world. He was still riding the high of it, finally realizing something that'd been sneaking around the edges of his perception for years. They were celebrating, because why not, and perhaps partly because he thought he and James ought to have a chat, and he reckoned the best way to have serious discussions was to get utterly pissed first.

They were in the dorm again, and Remus and Peter weren't _complete_ buzzkills this time, but they'd both nodded off and Sirius was on James' bed again, and he couldn't help thinking about the last time. He was pretty sure he didn't fancy James, because James was his best friend. But he was also quite sure that he _was_ gay, and that getting off with James had been rather fantastic. Still, that wasn't the point of tonight. The point was talking, so that was what they were going to do.

And if there happened to be sex, well. Sirius really didn't know what it _meant_ to shag your best mate, but he figured he'd probably be alright with whatever it was.

They sat up, leaning against the headboard, James' head on Sirius' shoulder. He was babbling about Quidditch strategies, and Sirius would've been listening if he weren't still trying to work up the courage to say something that didn't _seem_ terrifying until the words were sitting there in his mouth, sticking and refusing to come out.

“James,” he finally whispered, because he wasn't going to say it otherwise.

“Hmm?” said James. “What's it?”

“Thanks.”

“What for?”

Sirius elbowed him. “You know. For... not being different.”

“I couldn't be any different than the way I am.”

“Well, the way you are's smashing.”

James snorted and nuzzled into his neck. “I know. Wanna get off again?”

That, was not at all was Sirius was expecting to hear. It wasn't as if he was about to say _no_ , but he did say, “I thought you weren't gay.”

“I don't have to be gay to like handjobs, Sirius.”

“You have to a _bit_ gay to like handjobs from other blokes, James.”

“Not _other blokes_ ,” said James pointedly. “Just you.”

“Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but I _am_ a bloke.”

James sighed, going limp against him. “Look, I just... You know how I feel, about Lily. How I've always felt. And I'm going to wait for her until she loves me back—I _am_. But it's nice to have _something_ in the meantime.”

“And I'm the something?”

“Yeah.” He looked up, and Sirius looked down. “I mean, it's better with you than it is by myself.”

“But... it's sex, right?”

James' brow furrowed. “I don't think so?”

“What _is_ it, then?”

“I dunno.”

“Well, it's not normal.”

“Well,” said James, grinning crookedly, “ _we're_ not normal.”

Sirius looked at him for a minute. “You're sure you're not just a bit gay? I mean, you could be bisexual.”

“I dunno. Maybe. Does it matter?”

“Don't you want to know?”

“I'm going to marry Lily Evans,” he said, shrugging. “I don't need to know anything else.”

“I think you're bisexual.”

“Okay, Pads,” said James, and clumsily swung his knee around, straddling Sirius' hips. “Whatever you say.”

He made all those noises again, and Sirius though it was probably best not to mention how much he liked them. That'd just be _strange_.

***

They were _not_ drunk the third time, but they were a bit high off winning the Quidditch final, so Sirius didn't count it as being entirely sober, either.

It'd been two months since the last time, and they hadn't gotten drunk at all since then because word got out that there was alcohol on school grounds, and there'd been a purge and new restrictions along with it. Sirius'd wanked since then, of course, but he hadn't done anything with James, whatever they were doing, and he didn't quite know why. They just didn't talk about it, which was fine, because they were best mates, and they had plenty of other things to talk about. It wasn't awkward, it just wasn't there.

James didn't act any different, and Sirius usually took his cues from James, so he didn't act any different either. But then, _then_ they won the Quidditch Cup, and it was brilliant, and they stayed on the pitch with Remus and Peter for a long while after, so they were the last two in the showers. It was empty, and they undressed, still chatting about the game because it was one _hell_ of a game, and then.

Sirius couldn't really say which one of them started it, that time. They got in the shower together, and there was a natural lull in the conversation, and they both turned to each other. They reached at the same time, pulling together, colliding with a wet smack. James' tongue was in his mouth, and his hands were on James' arse, and Sirius thought it was really a shame that he'd never grabbed James' arse before now, because it was a very nice arse.

Sirius cupped his cheeks, squeezing the firm muscle, sighing into James' mouth. James backed him up against the tile, cold and slippery, but James was rough and warm against him, already snapping their hips together. He took James' cock in hand, and he would've liked to get a proper look at it for once, but James was not going to stop kissing him anytime soon. James really, really liked kissing.

The thought occurred to Sirius that if James liked his mouth so much, he'd probably like it even better on his cock. James had said something about sucking him off in the beginning, and they hadn't done it yet, but Sirius wanted to try.

Detaching his mouth from James' wasn't easy. When he finally did, James whined in response, grabbing his hair to pull him back in, so Sirius asked it quickly, “Can I suck you off?” James mumbled unintelligibly in response. “ _James_ ,” he said firmly, “I'm not doing it unless you say yes.”

“Yes,” James managed, and then he said it again, “yes, yes, yespleasegodyes,” and that was the last bit that made any sort of sense.

Sirius dropped to his knees, a little too hard, but it didn't matter. His mouth was on James' cock before he could think about the fact that he had no clue what the fuck he was doing. He'd never given a blowjob before, but James felt so _good_ in his mouth, and _for fuck's sake_ , the _sounds_ he made. Sirius took him deeper, so deep he gagged on it, and he had to pull back a little before starting again eagerly.

He bobbed and laved his tongue over James' cock, searching for the rhythm of it. When James jerked his hips and came, all Sirius could think was that he wanted more time. Then James was pulling him up, James was pushing him against the wall again, James was stroking him slowly and saying in his ear, “That was so good, Pads,” and Sirius couldn't think about anything much for awhile.

When he came, James was back to kissing him again, and he kept doing it after, as if it didn't occur to him to stop. It was loose and languid, and he got the same drop in his stomach that he did when he was flying. The longer it went on, the less Sirius worried about it. Clearly it wasn't an accident, and if James didn't want to stop, then he didn't either. It was nice, and they both wanted it, so what else mattered?

They snogged until James' cock perked up again, and the water was getting a bit cold, but James just turned the knob and came right back, pressing his erection against Sirius' hip.

“Can I do it again?” asked Sirius, smirking lazily. “I could use the practice.”

James laughed, breathless, and said, “Sure.”

He went a little slower that time, taking just the head in, trying to figure out how to manage his teeth. His tongue swept over every part of James' cock, and his balls beneath, and then he added his hand. James was _so damn loud_ , and Sirius loved all of it, using every noise as a guide as he explored and tasted James. When he was done, he swallowed down the bitter come, dragging his tongue across the roof of his mouth.

“ _Sirius_ ,” James moaned from above him, his grip sliding on the wall. “I don't think I can stand up anymore.”

After an exhausting Quidditch final and a brilliant shag (because that was almost definitely a shag), Sirius couldn't agree more. He supported James' weight and soaped them both up, rinsing quickly and setting James down on the bench. He dabbed a towel at James' skin, ruffling his wet hair, and dried himself. He went to fetch their clothes, and when he came back, James was nodding off.

“Don't go falling asleep, all-star,” said Sirius, tossing his shirt at him. “I'm not carrying you back to the castle. And you've an after-party to celebrate, still.”

James grinned and said, “Already had it.”

“Yeah. Pretty sure it was actually sex this time, you know.”

“You reckon?”

“Well, it's called oral sex, isn't it?” Sirius reasoned.

“Hmm. S'pose it is.” James looked over at him, half-dressed. “That still alright, then?”

Sirius shrugged. “Long as you're alright with it.”

“But you're alright with it, too?”

“That's what I said.”

“That not what you said.”

Sirius sighed. “It's more than _alright_ , Prongs.”

“That good, eh?”

“Shut up.”

But James was grinning now, the berk, and he just went on with it. “I'm gonna tell everyone Sirius Black thinks I'm a great shag.”

“You're gonna _tell_ them?” Sirius repeated.

“Nah, probably not,” James admitted, scratching the back of his head. “They wouldn't get it.”

Sirius' mouth twisted as he said, “I'm not sure _I_ get it.”

“What's there to get? We're best mates, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So there.”

“Pretty sure most mates don't shag each other.”

“ _Best_ ones do.”

“I don't think they do, Prongs.”

“How would you know? They'd keep it a secret, right?”

“I s'pose, yeah,” said Sirius. When James gave him a pointed look, he snorted. “What, you think _everyone's_ doing it with their best mates?”

James slid on his glasses, blinking as his eyes adjusted. He turned to Sirius and said, “Well, why the hell _wouldn't_ they?”

And Sirius really didn't have anything to say, after that, because he couldn't think of a single damn reason.

***

Sirius tried to think of a way to ask Remus, because it seemed like something Remus would know. He was the most normal out of any of them, even with the werewolf thing. Sirius wondered if he should be subtle about it, but he reckoned that might just make Remus _more_ suspicious. He didn't want to tell their secret, but he had to ask somebody about all this, and Remus wouldn't blab.

He found Remus studying in the dorm alone, and flopped down on his bed amid protests. “Oi, Moony,” he said, digging a book out from underneath his back. Why were there so many _books_ on his bed? “Got a question for you.”

“How about you _get the hell off my bed_ and then I'll think about answering it, you _tit_.”

“Would you ever sleep with your best mate?”

Remus stopped trying to fix the mess Sirius had made, to slowly raise one eyebrow. “I'm straight, Sirius,” he said.

“I know, but still. If you had a _girl_ best mate. Would you sleep with her?”

“Well, then she'd be my girlfriend, not my mate.”

“You reckon?”

“Er, yes? That's sort of how it works.”

“What if you didn't want to date, though?” asked Sirius, staring up at the canopy. “What if you just wanted to shag, but still be best mates? Could you?”

“You're being a bit pervy, Sirius.”

“Am not.”

Remus heaved a frustrated sigh and said, “You invited yourself into my bed, and now you're asking if it's okay to shag your mates. It's a bit pervy.”

“It's a hypothetical situation, Remus.”

“Well, you're not _hypothetically_ in my bed, are you?”

“Fine.” Sirius slid out of the bed, sitting on the floor. “Would you shag your hypothetical best mate, who is a girl, and not date her? Is that a normal thing to do?”

“I don't think so.”

Sirius pouted. “Why not, though?”

“Sirius.” Remus looked down at him from the bed, a concerned expression on his face. “Are you... having feelings?”

“I don't have _feelings_!” Sirius protested.

“You kind of seem like you might have feelings, mate.”

“I don't have any feelings,” he insisted. “I just, you know, would it be so bad? I mean, if it's just shagging. It's not a bad thing, right?”

“No,” said Remus carefully, “it isn't _bad_.”

“But?”

“But... Well, the other person might not feel the same way-”

“There's no feelings, Moony!”

Remus held up his hands. “Alright, fine. I'm just saying, maybe the other person is... well... not gay-”

“No, no, we're not talking about being _gay_. If it was a _girl_ -”

“Sirius, I know this isn't hypothetical.”

“It _is_ ,” Sirius insisted, even though it wasn't, at all.

“You're too upset for it to be hypothetical.”

Sirius frowned and said, “I'm not upset.”

“You are, mate. And look, I fully support you, but I can't... you know, do that.”

“Do what?”

Remus blushed. “ _Sirius_.”

He understood suddenly. “Oh, no! No, I didn't mean _you_. I meant... Well, never mind what I meant.”

“Oh. You... meant James.”

“No.”

“But.” Remus wrinkled his nose. “But James is in love with Lily. He's always been in love with Lily.”

“We're not talking about James!” Sirius insisted. “I just, I want to know if it's normal.”

Remus considered him carefully, tilting his head as he thought. “I think it's normal for you to be attracted to James.”

“It's not James!”

“Come off it, Padfoot.”

Sirius winced. “You can't tell anyone.”

“I won't tell anyone.”

“It's supposed to be a secret.”

“So... wait, does James _know_?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, what did he say?”

“He said it's normal.”

Remus held his palms out. “Then _what_ is the problem?”

“Er...” Sirius thought about it for a minute. “I guess there isn't one?”

“Then why are you interrupting me? I've got revising to do, you tit.”

Sirius left feeling much better. If Remus said it was normal, then it was definitely normal. Even if he wasn't necessarily privy to the finer points.

***

By the fourth time, Sirius figured he ought to initiate. It seemed like the sort of thing you'd take turns doing, even though there weren't actually any rules to this thing.

He wasn't sure how to do it, so he did it in Charms, leaning over while they were practicing spells to whisper in James' ear, “Can I suck you off tonight?”

James went still for a moment before turning to him with a grin. “Sure you can, Pads,” he said between startled laughter.

Sirius waited until everyone else was in bed before he crawled out and pulled back James' curtains. James was sitting up in bed shirtless, already hard beneath his pajamas. Sirius' breath caught for a minute, and a smirk spread across James' mouth.

“Well, you took your sweet time,” he whispered, and grabbed Sirius by the shirt to pull him in.

Sirius felt the _whoosh_ of the silencing charms as he stumbled on top of James, trying to right himself until James took his face and started snogging him. They did just that for awhile before James gripped his back and flipped him over in one move that knocked whatever breath Sirius had left straight out.

“You're going first this time,” said James as he reached beneath Sirius' pants to take hold of his cock. “And I was thinking, too,” he went on, and Sirius really tried to pay attention to what he was saying, “I could suck you off, if you tell me how.”

“Yeah, just-” Sirius interrupted himself with a grunt, then caught his breath before saying, “You just put your mouth on, and pull your lips over your teeth like this.” He demonstrated. “And you, you know, suck it.”

“Okay, but you have to tell me if I'm doing it wrong.”

“Pretty sure it's impossible to go wrong when your mouth's on my cock, James.”

“Right. A mouth's a mouth.”

“Right.”

“And a cock is... well, a cock.”

Sirius shrugged. “It's just like your cock.”

“Well, I can't put my mouth on my cock.”

“That's what mine's for, prat.”

James laughed, and Sirius laughed back, and it was all pretty funny until James' mouth went down on his cock, and then it was something else entirely.

Snogging James was good, snogging James was _excellent_ , but it had nothing on this. Sirius didn't even know what James was _doing_ with his mouth, but his tongue was everywhere, and it was so wet and warm, and Sirius thought, for the hundredth time, that they should've done this ages ago. There was no sense in _not_ doing it when it felt this bloody good.

James let go with a pop to ask, “Is it alright? You're not saying anything.”

“Well, don't fucking _stop_ ,” Sirius complained, breathless and _aching_.

“I'm doing it right, then?”

“ _James_ ,” said Sirius through gritted teeth. “Keep. Going. And if you stop again before I come, I swear- _nngh_. Yes. Like that. Just like that.”

James pulled him in, sucking hard, then gently stroking whatever he couldn't reach. Sirius was on fire, flushed red with the heat of it, and the thought that James might stop again kept him talking.

“It feels so good,” he panted, clutching fistfuls of James' sheets. “It's amazing, you're amazing, don't stop. Fuck. _Fuck_ , James, we should've been doing this the whole time. If I knew your mouth was this good, I'd have shagged you years ago. I'd have had you in so many places. I'd've had you in the boys' loo, how many times did we go into the loo together, and we could've been sucking each other off in the stalls?”

James groaned deeply around his cock and sped up. Sirius went on, “You want that? You want to shag in the loo between classes, want me to swallow your come so it doesn't get all sticky under your school robes? Or maybe I'll leave it there to remind- _fuck,_ remind you what I can do to you. James, I'm so close.”

He tried to control his hips as he came, fisting the sheets beneath him. He couldn't breathe, couldn't _see_ , and James' tongue was in his mouth before he even realized that he'd moved. He ran his fingers through James' hair, holding him close, drinking in every sound he made.

“Sirius,” he panted, “Sirius, I need you to-” He cut off with a whine, grinding desperately into Sirius.

“Right,” said Sirius.

He pushed James roughly onto his back, then sunk his mouth onto the stiff, leaking cock in front of him. It wasn't long before James was moaning as his warm come rushed into Sirius' mouth, and Sirius swallowed it again, because he wanted to. He wanted to do it again, and again, until the taste was so familiar that he could imagine it on his tongue.

Sirius stripped the rest of the way, then helped James too, because they'd both been too eager to undress properly. He discarded their clothes at the foot of the bed, cleaned up, and pulled James beneath the sheets. James latched onto him immediately, threading their legs together, burying his face in Sirius' neck.

James' lips ghosted against he skin as he asked, “Are you really gonna suck me off in the loo?”

“Do you really want me to?” asked Sirius, feeling an excited pulse in his cock.

“Would you want it, too?”

“I wouldn't have said it if I didn't want it.”

“I thought, you know, maybe it was just...” He shrugged as he trailed off.

“I want it. _Fuck_ , I- yeah, I want it.”

“Tomorrow?”

Sirius could hardly _breathe_ , and his cock was still sensitive, but it was definitely getting hard again. His voice was hoarse when he said, “Yeah.”

“After lunch?”

“Before lunch,” he decided.

“After Potions,” James confirmed. “We can ditch Moony and meet them back in the Great Hall.”

“Sure. Yeah. That's good.”

A few minutes later, James whispered, “Padfoot? You still awake?”

“Yeah.”

“Wanna go again?”

“Yeah.”

***

The fifth time, they ditched Remus to go and suck each other off in the loo, and they spent so damn long in there, they nearly missed lunch.

***

“Alright, that's it. What're you up to?” asked Remus when they flopped down at the Gryffindor table and stared hurriedly piling food on their plates after the- the twelfth time? Sirius had stopped counting by then. “I know the two of you aren't planning the end-of-term prank without us.”

“Are you?” asked Peter suddenly, as though it'd only just occurred to him.

“'Course not, Wormtail,” said James, talking through a full mouth. “Couldn't do it without you sods, anyway, even if we wanted.”

“Which we don't,” said Sirius. “Wouldn't want you to miss out on the detentions, after all.”

Remus pointed his fork between the two of them. “You're sneaking around more than usual. You're doing something.”

“A whole lot of something,” said James with a wink, and Sirius snorted into his goblet. “We _should_ plan the end-of-term prank, though. What've you got? We still need ideas for phase two.”

Remus let it go, but he still gave Sirius a few suspicious looks over lunch. Sirius threw a pear at him.

***

One morning, they stumbled out of bed after an excellent morning shag to see Remus staring them down with his arms folded across his chest. “Morning, gentlemen,” he said.

James and Sirius exchanged looks. James shrugged and said, “Morning, Moony.”

“Slept well, I take it?”

“Er... yeah?”

“Lovely day, isn't it?”

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “What're you on?”

“You forgot your silencing charms,” said Remus flatly.

“Oh.” James glanced at Sirius with a sheepish look, shrugging again. “Sorry.”

“Prongs' fault,” said Sirius.

“It was your turn,” said James.

“It was _your_ turn.”

“You've scarred Peter,” said Remus loudly. “For _life_.”

James looked around the room. “Well, where is he?”

“He _ran_.”

“Oh.”

Remus nodded. “Yeah. Didn't hear that, did you? Too busy buggering each other, I reckon?”

“We haven't done that yet,” said James.

Sirius blinked and repeated, “Yet?”

“Were you going to _tell_ me, at some point?” asked Remus, sounding very cross.

“I did tell you,” said Sirius. “Sort of.” He turned to James. “Well, I didn't _tell_ him. He guessed.”

“This?” He gestured between the two of them. “This was _not_ what I guessed. I thought we were talking about you fancying James, not _actually_ shagging him.”

“I don't fancy him,” said Sirius with a snort. “Look at him.”

“Oi!” James protested.

“Oi, nothing. You're a scrawny wanker.”

James made to shove him, and Sirius dodged, and they chased each other around the dorm until they were both blasted back by a shield charm. Remus stood with his wand out, glancing between the two of them with incredulity.

“What the _bloody hell_ is wrong with you?” he demanded.

James laughed, leaning breathlessly on his bedpost. “Come off it, Moony. Nothing's different.”

“Oh sure, nothing's different except two of you _having secret sex._ Haven't you been _in love_ with Lily for the last six years?”

James ignored him in favor of saying to Sirius, “Told you he wouldn't get it.”

“What am I supposed to _get_ , here?” asked Remus. “You've been lying for _weeks._ ”

“Sorry, Moony,” said Sirius, really feeling like a tit this time. “We shouldn't've lied to you.”

“Right, considering how well you're taking it,” said James dryly.

Remus sighed. “Look, I don't care if you two are dating or shagging or _whatever_. Don't fucking lie to me again, though, right?”

“Right,” said Sirius.

James frowned, running a hand through his hair.

“James?” Remus prompted.

“You can't tell Lily,” he insisted. His eyes were wide and worried. “You can't tell anyone that might tell Lily. You have to swear to secrecy.”

“Prongs,” said Remus, hurt in his voice. “How can you even _think_ I wouldn't keep your secrets? After everything?”

Well. Yeah, Sirius definitely felt like a tit.

They made their promises and kept their secrets, because Merlin knew they had barrels full of them.

# Act II

That summer, James and Sirius shagged like the world was ending, and it was, sort of. Before they left on the Hogwarts Express for seventh year, Mrs. Potter pulled Sirius aside and said, “You take care of him for me, alright?”

“Always do, Mrs. P.”

“Oh, you're so clever. And _sneaky,_ hmm?” She winked.

“Er... yeah?”

She wrapped him in a warm hug. “Keep each other close,” she said. “Don't you ever be ashamed of what makes you happy, Sirius.”

“Sure, Mrs. P.” Sirius patted her on the back.

Later, on the train, he said to James, “I think your mum's gone 'round the bend, mate.”

***

After a whole summer of sharing a room at the Potter's house and shagging whenever the urge struck them (which was rather often), going back to Hogwarts was challenging on unexpected fronts.

James and Sirius had always been close, obviously. The two of them paired up whenever the opportunity struck—in class, at lunch, on Hogsmeade trips. They frequently invaded each other's space with a variety of shoves and nudges. Sirius hadn't ever realized how much he _touched_ James. He never had to be aware of it, before, because they were best mates, and that was just what best mates did.

Now Sirius was second-guessing every touch. He tried to categorize them all, separate them into things that were appropriate to do with your mates in public and things that weren't. But then, the littlest things would suddenly become problems, and it was impossible to tell how or when it'd happen until it did.

He couldn't put James in headlocks anymore. It was fun, at first, finding out just how much it turned James on to have Sirius hold him like that. Until he realized that meant he couldn't do it in public, because it made James breathless in a way that wasn't _friendly_. And he couldn't muss up James' hair either, because that reminded him how much he liked pulling it when James was sucking him off.

They touched so much _less_ now, and it was damned frustrating. It was hell and a half to find time alone with Quidditch and N.E.W.T.'s, not to mention James' new position as Head Boy. Sometimes they didn't even undress, just snogged and rutted for a bit, then spent the next hour talking about the same stuff they always did, except they were allowed to sit close.

One Saturday he woke before James, absolutely _starving_ , and went down to get breakfast without him. Before he left, he dipped in to kiss James' forehead. As he was leaving the dorm, he caught Remus' eye and found himself on the receiving end of a painfully sympathetic look. Of course, the only thing to do then was go over and plant a big, wet one on Remus' forehead, too.

“Padfoot,” he said in a low tone, glancing at James. “You should talk to him.”

“I talk to him all the time, Moony,” Sirius pointed out.

Remus frowned. “You know what I mean.”

Sirius snorted, because he definitely didn't, at all, and he whistled a jaunty tune on the way to breakfast.

***

The thing was, he did know. Only he didn't figure out that he knew until James came back to the dorm one night with a dreamy look on his face and whispered, “She said yes.”

Remus was revising, and Sirius was playing Exploding Snap with Peter. Peter's eyebrows were still smoking, and it made his confused expression a little more ridiculous. Sirius looked to Remus, because maybe _he_ knew what the hell James was talking about. Remus had gone utterly still, hand paused in the act of turning a page. He looked up at Sirius with dread in his eyes.

Sirius frowned. “Who said what now? Prongs? Everything alright?”

“She said _yes_ ,” he repeated, letting out a high note of giddy laughter.

“Who, mate?” asked Peter.

Sirius glanced at Remus again, who stared stiffly down at the same page. It clicked, then. It clicked with a resounding _snap_ , only this one gave him something a lot worse than singed eyebrows. It thudded in his chest, cold and thick.

“She said yes!” James shouted. “Holy shit, she actually said yes. This is happening. Oh Merlin, this is happening.”

“What's happening?” asked Peter. He kneed Sirius and said it again, “What's he talking about?”

“Lily,” Sirius breathed.

It was obvious. He could see in James' dreamy expression, hear it in the awed tone of his voice. How could he forget the way James used to babble about her hair, her eyes, the way she walked and talked and smiled? How could he forget that James was infatuated with someone else? But he _had_ forgotten. It was easy to forget when James was writhing in between his legs, moaning _his_ name. James hadn't talked about Lily in months, and Sirius had thought nothing of it.

He should have. Merlin- he should've just _thought_ , for one _second_ -

Not that it mattered. It didn't matter. James loved Lily. He always had and always would. Sirius was just his _something_ in the meantime, and he knew it, had always known it. James never promised anything else. James didn't owe him a damn thing.

“But I thought-” Peter started, and Sirius elbowed him, hard.

“How'd it happen, Prongs?” asked Sirius, shoving everything else to the back of his mind. He even managed a smile, or half of one. He felt like he'd been torn right down the middle, so at least that was fitting.

He listened to the story, and he laughed in all the right places, and when they broke open the Firewhisky stash in celebration, he welcomed the burn in his throat, the warmth in his stomach. At the end of the night, he felt like it was the only thing left inside him.

***

Lily Evans and James Potter were dating.

The entire school was shocked by the news, chattering wildly as they entered the Great Hall hand-in-hand. Even the _teachers_ seemed to take an interest. Head Boy and Head Girl, the perfect couple, proof that incessant pining wasn't all heartbreak and woe. Happy endings were possible, for some. James certainly seemed happy. Lily, too.

They were happy and in love. Wasn't that all that mattered, in the end?

***

Remus kept trying to talk to him. Wouldn't quit trying, really. Sirius dodged and deflected, brushed him off with a laugh or two. He sat next to James and Lily and pretended it was alright, _more_ than alright. He didn't grimace when they kissed, anymore. He hung out with Peter, mostly, who was too pleased with the company to ask any stupid questions.

Remus finally cornered him, though. Sirius sighed and gave in, because he was tired of fighting it. “What d'you want, Moony?” he asked, letting out a long puff of white smoke as he slumped against the Quidditch post. It dug uncomfortably into his back, and he didn't care.

“I want to talk, you tit,” said Remus, nudging his foot.

“Then talk.”

Remus bummed a smoke and sat next to him, shoulder-to-shoulder. The pressure was nice, solid. Sirius didn't realize how much he'd missed touch, these last few weeks. Months? He'd stopped counting.

“You're not talking,” Sirius noted after a few quiet minutes.

“Yeah, I lied.”

“Nice.”

“You're not the one I want to talk to.”

“Could've fooled me.”

“Shut up.” Remus' elbow jabbed into his ribs. “I want to talk to James. I want to _yell_ at James, actually.”

“What for?”

Another jab. “Come off it.”

“Stop _elbowing_ me,” said Sirius, returning the gesture.

“No.” He did it again, slipping easily through Sirius' half-hearted defenses to catch him in the side. “I'm gonna _keep_ elbowing you.”

“Why?”

“'Cause I'm _cross_.”

“Well, go be cross somewhere else.”

“Nope.”

“Arsehole.”

“Tit.”

“Twat.”

“Git.”

“Wanker.”

Instead of replying, Remus elbowed him again.

“ _Stop_ that,” said Sirius, rubbing at his side. “It hurts, you prick.”

“Oh? Are you in pain?” asked Remus snidely. “Here I thought you'd _never_ admit it.”

“Fuck off.”

“It's okay to be in pain, git.”

“I'm only in pain 'cause you elbowed me, git.”

“You're such a liar, git.”

“What's it to you, git?”

“You're my friend, _git_.”

“Stop saying git.”

“Git.”

“Stop it.”

“Git, git, git. Padfoot is a giant git.”

Sirius shoved his shoulder and asked, “What the _fuck_ is your problem?”

“I've got the dumbest mates on the whole fucking planet, that's my problem.”

“So go get new ones, then.”

“They're complete tossers,” Remus went on, ignoring him. “There's this one mate I've had for years, right? We've done all this shit for each other. We've _bled_ for each other. I'd do anything for him, anything at all, and he just keeps bloody _lying_ to me. He won't quit! He lies and then laughs in my face.”

“What, you want me to tell you all my _feelings_ instead?” asked Sirius nastily.

“Well, you can stop pretending you don't _have_ them. That'd be a good start.”

“You want to know how I'm feeling right now?”

“Love to.”

“ _Angry._ ”

“Oh, yeah? Why's that?”

“Because _my_ mate won't leave me the fuck alone.” He took one last drag and threw the cigarette across the grounds. “He keeps getting in my face and asking me stupid questions.”

“Really? Why's he doing that?”

“'Cause he's a giant prick.”

Remus made a sound like a game show buzzer and said, “Try again.”

“'Cause he likes bothering me.”

Buzz.

“'Cause he's a pathetic fucking loser with nothing better to do.”

Buzz.

“'Cause he gives a shit,” said Sirius finally, just to shut him up.

“Whoa, hey, look at that. Here's your prize.” Remus elbowed him again.

“What the _fuck_ -”

“I give a shit, Sirius! I give a shit about you, even when you don't give a shit about yourself. So you don't get to just sit there and pretend everything's alright, because it's _hurting_ you, and I won't stand by and watch it happen!”

“What are you going to _do_ about it, then?” Sirius demanded. “What, you're going to just shout at me until I tell you all my feelings, and then what's after that?”

“Oh, hell if I know! But it can't go on like this.”

“How else is it s'posed to go on? What else am I supposed to _do,_ cry about it? Go scream in somebody's face and beat the shit out of them with my _elbows of steel_ -”

“Tell James you love him, you prat!”

“ _Then_ what?”

“Then, I dunno, then at least he'll _know_.”

“And what will that change?”

“I don't-” Remus looked uncertain, for the first time. His voice took on a gentle tone. “You have to tell him, Padfoot.”

Sirius wasn't going to do anything as stupid as cry, even though his throat was tight and his fists were clenched against it. “It won't change anything,” he said, forcing the words out. “He loves Lily.”

“He loves you, too.”

“If he loved me, then he wouldn't-” Sirius swallowed thickly and didn't finish.

Remus' arm slid around his shoulders. “Come here, you tit.”

Remus was more comfortable than the goalpost. Warmer, too. Sirius huddled up against him, face buried in a red-and-gold scarf. Remus gently rubbed his upper arm, his cheek resting atop Sirius' hair. Sirius had missed this, these small comforts, and it occurred to him that maybe Remus did, too. Maybe Sirius had edged him out, a little.

“Moony?” he said a long while later, voice hoarse and limbs long gone stiff.

“Yeah, Padfoot?”

“I've been a piss-poor mate, haven't I?”

“Sort of, yeah.”

“Sorry.”

“S'okay. Just, I dunno, get me some chocolate or something. I'm easy.”

“I'll _make_ chocolate for you.”

“No. No, I'm not eating anything you bake. I swore, never again.”

“That hurts, Moony.”

Remus grunted. “You know what hurts? My arse. Can we get up now?”

Slowly they got to their feet, grumbling about pins and needles and runny noses. Remus' leg refused to cooperate, and Sirius helped him limp back up to the castle. They snuck into the kitchens for hot chocolate and spent the rest of the afternoon talking about the Giant Squid and McGonagall's new hat.

His ribs were sore for three days.

***

Sirius tried to get a moment alone with James. He did _try_. Remus didn't seem to think he was trying hard enough, until he saw firsthand evidence of the way James cleverly skirted around the idea at lunch. Remus glared at James for the rest of the period, and the next day, there was a talk.

“Hey Padfoot,” said James that evening, pushing his hand through his messy hair. “Think we can talk for a minute?”

Sirius glanced at Remus over their card game and received a look that was some mixture of sheepish and encouraging. “Sure,” said Sirius, and followed him up to the dorm.

James looked like he was about to sit down on his bed, but he stopped halfway there and leant awkwardly against the bedpost instead. Sirius just stood in the middle of the dorm, staring at the floor.

“Remus got to you, too?” he asked, when James didn't say anything.

With a weak chuckle, James said, “Yeah. He kicked me a lot.”

“It was elbows, for me.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah.”

“He has pointy elbows.”

“Yeah. He was rather cross with me.”

“Oh?” Their eyes met for half a second, and James cleared his throat as he looked away. “It's just, I thought he was on your side.”

“We're on different sides, now?”

“No. I mean... well.”

“Well what?”

“Well,” James repeated, shrugging. “Are we?”

“We're always on the same side.”

“Right. I-” He shifted, then sighed. “I'm sorry, Pads.”

“For what?”

James looked up. “For, you know.”

“What _part_ are you sorry about?” asked Sirius slowly.

“I'm sorry for making you think that it was something else. I should've been clearer, about that.”

“About what?”

“Look, you're doing this wrong,” said James, annoyed. “I say sorry, and you say sorry, and then we move on.”

“I want to know what the fuck you're sorry for,” Sirius snapped.

“I dunno! Everything? I'm sorry for not telling you that I _wasn't_ in love with you because I just figured that was assumed. _Hell_ , Sirius. You knew I was in love with Lily! I _told_ you, in the beginning.”

“Yeah, in the beginning,” Sirius agreed. “And then it was different.”

“It was never different! It was exactly what I said it was. I never lied to you. _You're_ the one that changed your mind.”

“So you're _not_ sorry, then?”

“No, I'm not!” James shouted. Then he just blinked for a minute. “Well, I'm sorry you got hurt. But I don't know what I could've done about it.”

Sirius worked his jaw, forcing it to unclench. “So what you're saying is it's all my fault? 'Cause I had no reason, at all, to think that you felt something?”

James laughed, humorlessly. “Unbelievable! You're trying to get to to admit to feelings that _I don't have_. I never had them!” He let out a harsh exhale. “You're my best friend, for fuck's sake. Why isn't that enough for you?”

“It was, until I figured out that you were in love with me.”

“I'm _not_ -”

“Took me awhile,” Sirius went on. “You're good at hiding it. But you really can't have expected to lie to me forever.” He grinned sardonically. “I'm your best friend, right?”

“You're _barking_ is what you are. You're not even listening to me!”

“'Cause I'm done listening to your bullshit. You're gonna tell me the truth. And I don't care if you deny it for the rest of your life, because right now, you're gonna admit it.”

James laughed again, in utter disbelief. “You are actually barking mad. Look, you can be upset that I chose Lily, alright? That's fine, I get that, but-”

“It's not about you choosing Lily!” shouted Sirius. “It's about you refusing to acknowledge that I was a choice!”

“Sirius. _I. Love. Lily._ I've always loved Lily-”

“You loved me, too!” Sirius' throat was closing up. He forced the words out anyway, because if he didn't say them now, he never would. “You could've chosen me. You already _had_ me.”

“Then you should've said.”

“Yeah. I'm sorry I didn't.”

“I'm sorry I didn't, either.” James ran a hand through his hair again. “And I'm sorry for lying.”

Sirius nodded. They were quiet, for a moment, before he asked, “Are you going to tell Lily?”

“No.”

“You should.”

“What, so she'll break up with me?” he asked sharply. “You'd like that, wouldn't you?”

“No.”

“Liar.”

“She deserves to know, Prongs,” said Sirius with a tired. “It won't last, if you keep secrets.”

James snorted. “Right.”

“Just think about it.”

A few breaths later, he asked, “Are you going to tell her, if I don't?”

Sirius thought about that and said, “No. She'll dump you for sure, if she hears it from me.”

“Isn't that what you want?”

“No, James. It's not what I want.”

James shrugged one shoulder. “What d'you want, then?”

“I'd like my best mate back, if that's alright.”

“'Course.” James pursed his lips. “Just... you know, maybe we should take some time.”

“Sure. Reckon we both need it.”

“Right. Padfoot?

“Yeah?”

“I did love you.”

Sirius swallowed thickly. “I loved you too, Prongs.”

***

Lily pulled him aside after supper two days later. “Hey, Sirius, can I borrow you for a minute?”

“Looks a bit more like stealing than borrowing,” he replied.

She let go of his arm. “Oh. Sorry, I-”

“S'fine, Evans.” He followed her into the corridor, where he stood awkwardly in the corner while she cast a few choice charms. “What's this about?”

“James,” she replied, giving him a pointed look. “And you.”

“Yeah?” Sirius' heart dropped a little. “What about us?”

“Did you have a row?”

He exhaled steadily. “No, Evans. We didn't have a row.”

“What is it, then? _Something's_ happened. He's acting all different. Avoiding you. He won't even say your name.” She narrowed her eyes. “What did you do?”

“Why's it have to be me?”

“It's always you,” she said dismissively. “And Remus is acting squirrely, too. Don't make me ask Peter.”

“Why don't you ask James?” he suggested.

“He won't tell me.”

“Then I'm not telling you, either.”

She frowned and said, “Fine. I _will_ ask Peter.”

“Don't.” He caught her arm as she turned to leave. “James'll tell you. Just give him time.”

“Is it something terrible? Is he is in trouble?”

“For Merlin's sake, Evans,” he sighed.

“You know, you _could_ call me by my first name,” she said curtly. “I know we're not each other's favorite people, Sirius, but I am making an effort here.”

Sirius closed his eyes briefly. “Just be patient with him, alright? He's head-over-heels for you, and he's terrified of screwing it up. He'll tell you soon enough.”

“I think _you_ should tell me,” she insisted. “I think that'd go a long way towards making us better friends, don't you?”

“We'll never be friends, Evans,” he snapped.

It wasn't fair to say, he knew that, and Lily looked hurt for a grand total of about two seconds before she got angry.

“You are _impossible_ , Sirius Black,” she declared, poking him hard in the chest.

She apologized a week later.

***

Remus slammed his bag down on the table. “I'm going to _wring_ his neck,” he said, slumping onto the bench.

“Whose neck?” asked Sirius.

“You know whose neck.” He rolled his eyes. “She thinks he's a virgin. A _virgin_! When you two were shagging each other day and night for months!” Sirius winced, and Remus bit the inside of his cheek. “Sorry.”

“S'fine. How do you know all this?”

“She told me they're _waiting_. Said they both want their first time to be special.”

Sirius shrugged and said, “Well, it's sort of his first time?”

“With a girl, sure. But he's obviously not a virgin, and Lily thinks he is.”

“Well, how do you know that?”

“She _said_.”

“She said it's _their_ first time.”

Remus gave him a flat look. “He's lying to her, Padfoot.”

“What, so he should give her _all_ the details?”

“No, but she deserves to know what was going on.”

“She knows.” He shrugged again, just one shoulder this time. “She came and apologized to me, so he at least told her something.”

“Why are you defending him?” Remus demanded. “He's being dishonest! Again!”

“Not my business anymore.”

“It's not fair to Lily.”

“So?”

“ _So_.” Remus kicked his ankle. “Lily's my friend too, in case you've forgotten. And I don't like it when my friends aren't honest with each other.”

Sirius snorted. “Yeah, I know that. But you can't just _beat_ everyone into telling the truth.”

“Lying hurts more!”

“Sometimes you just have to let people hurt.”

“That's what I did last time.” He shook his head firmly. “I'm not doing it again. I can't.”

“It's not your secret to tell.”

Remus frowned. “You should tell her, then.”

“You know I can't.”

“Why not?”

“Prongs'll hate me, if I do.” Sirius looked down at his hands, idly tapping on the table. “He wouldn't forgive me.”

“He'd forgive you for anything.”

“ _Almost_ anything.”

After a long, tense moment, Remus sighed. He leaned forward, resting his head flat on the table. “I hate this. I hate it so much. I wish I didn't know anything.”

“Sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

“It is,” said Sirius. “Me and James, we fucked it all up. And I'm sorry.”

“It's alright.” He looked up, a small smile on his face. “I'm pretty used to the two of you fucking things up by now.”

“Yeah.”

They both laughed. It still hurt, but Sirius was maybe at least sixty percent sure everything was going to be fine.

***

It was fine for three years.


End file.
